Six Steps To Integrity In Dating

Erotic Integrity® may not be the first thing on your mind as you approach your first, second or third date with someone, but getting laid might be. To set yourself up for success in your sexual, as well as romantic, life, consider the following SIX points:

  1. Be clear about the kind of relationship you’re looking for. If you’re looking for a bootie call or a fuckbuddy, that’s absolutely fine. But don’t pretend to be looking for a spouse. Your date may be happy to jump your bones with no commitment. Just don’t misrepresent your intentions. If you are not monogamous, don’t pretend to be. Let the other person make an informed choice about who you are and the type of relationship you’re available for. It’ll avoid both of you the heartache of infidelity later. And if you’re looking for a long term relationship, the love of your life whom you want to skip off into the sunset with, say so. Don’t downplay the kind of relationship you want because you don’t think you can have it. You can! I’m a firm believer that you can design a relationship that may not fit societal norms, but that fits for you. Many older people want a companion who has their own separate home down the street or in the next town.
  2. Know what you want sexually…other than some sex, which may be more than you’ve been getting if you’ve been single for a while. I mean more specifically, know what your turn-ons are. If you’re into women of Rubenesque proportions, leave the skinny chicks for someone else. If you’re into BDSM, don’t pick a vanilla lover. If you’re bisexual, figure out how you’re going to have that fit into your relationship. Do you date a straight person, a gay person, a bi person, a non-monogamous person? If you have a fetish for high heels on your lover’s feet, put that in your online ad, so that the Birkenstock wearers know you’re not a fit for them. Part of Erotic Integrity is knowing yourself.
  3. Reveal yourself, gently, to your potential partner. Drop hints about your proclivities and preferences. Mention places where you hang out (nude beaches), or that you find objectionable (swing clubs). Does your date respond with a sexy knowing smile, enthusiasm, lustful glee, distaste, incomprehension, fear…? If you’re into bondage and you didn’t meet your date at the Folsom street Fair in San Francisco, ask how it might be if you tied her up with sewing thread. Another aspect of Erotic Integrity is owning who you are as an erotic being, showing up authentically, and being accountable for your proclivities, not in a defensive way but in an embracing way.
  4. Talk openly, or as openly as you can. If you and your date are getting along well and moving into increasing sexual contact, you have to be respectful of their health, and yours. If you have trepidation about revealing a health condition such as a herpes diagnosis or other STD, a wooden leg, an innocuous skin rash or some such difficult topic, as my French grandmother used to say: “Just spit it out, at least we’ll see what it is” (“Crache, on verra c’que c’est”.) If your delivery isn’t perfect you can clean it up later. Just get it out. I also recommend having a conversation about what you’d both want to do in the case of an unwanted pregnancy, in addition to the birth control talk. People wait until the situation presents itself, but I think it’s good to know ahead of time what your respective positions are on that. Just in case. It’s good information to have.
  5. Tell your lover how to pleasure you. People don’t read minds, much as we persist in wishing they did. Set both of you up for success.
  6. Live your eroticism. Who are you saving it for? Don’t play it safe. Don’t wait for someone else to validate it. Show up in all your glory and rock your lover’s world as well as your own. There’s a spontaneous feedback loop in sex: when one person is really turned on, the other can ride (so to speak) that energy and it increases their arousal too. The most fun part of Erotic Integrity is living it authentically. To learn more about Erotic Integrity ®, go to have your say about Erotic Integrity ®, go to

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How to Have Better Sex – Sex-ed for everyone