Conversations about sex can be just as sexy as physical play. Since our greatest sex organs are our minds, taking the time to talk about sexual activity before you engage in it can build the intensity of your overall connection. It also allows you to discover what your partner enjoys and fantasizes about, which will give you valuable tools to work with during your upcoming encounters.
So how do you talk about sex without sending the wrong message or being seen as a pervert? It’s not about what you say, it’s how you say it. The communication techniques discussed in this article rely on tact and syntax.
Syntax is defined as “the arrangement of words and phrases to create well-formed sentences in a language”. Tact is defined as “adroitness and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues”. In dating, it’s important that we remember, develop and practice these two skills together. Let’s call the blend of skills “syntact”.
A skilled practitioner of syntact in dating knows many things, perhaps the first rule is to never get too personal too quickly. Talking about sex isn’t synonymous with dirty talk and a partner who is willing to speak about sex isn’t necessarily giving you an open invitation to cross personal boundaries. On a first date, you probably don’t want to ask someone what their favorite position is, if they’ve ever participated in a group sex or how often they masturbate. Instead of bringing up topics that could be too graphic or personal, try asking your date what attracts them to a partner.
If they mention something physical, like clean hands or nice grooming, you could say you understand how cleanliness is important, not just because it shows that a person pays attention to detail, but because you wouldn’t want to be intimate with someone who had jagged fingernails or bad breath. This opens the opportunity to discuss other important factors in intimate settings, which is essentially a discussion of turn-ons, turn-offs, and sexual preferences. The beauty of this tactic is that, to learn the answers, you don’t have to say anything about sex or make your date feel uncomfortable. You selected a topic that effects everyone at a certain age (previous relationships), you’ve expressed interest in understanding what drives them (what did you/didn’t you enjoy about your previous relationships), you’ve shown empathy and understanding (I appreciate your desire to have a partner with good hygiene! I wouldn’t want to kiss someone with bad breath), and you’ve also shown your vulnerability/put yourself on equal footing by sharing something about yourself. The language you choose, the way you phrase your questions, and how you respond to your date will determine how receptive to the conversation your partner will be.
So next time, although you may be secretly wanting to ask, “what do you like in bed”, try approaching the topic from a genteel perspective and ask something like, “What were you most and least satisfied regarding chemistry in your last relationship?” You’re much more likely to receive positive outcome.