The Oscar Swag Bag keeps growing like a pulsating erection, getting bigger and bigger to the tune of $220,000 worth of goodies. The contents of the coveted goody bags from Distinctive Assets, will only be given to nominees in the Best Actor and Actress category, as well as Best Supporting Actor and Actress, and Best Director. Gifts include a $45,000 gift of a year’s worth of free car rentals from Silver Car, a free luxury vacation, and non-surgical plastic surgery, things most people who aren’t movie stars could really use. So as soon as someone like Leonardo DiCaprio uses any of the freebies, the company gets a celebrity endorsement. But of course, we were most interested in the two “sexy” gifts: the “Vampire Breast Lift” ($1,900) and the pre-sex “arouser” sex toy ($250) for “beforeplay.”
The Nuelle Fiera Arouser ($250) is “specifically designed to stimulate blood flow in the clitoris and encourage vaginal lubrication, helping awaken the body for an intimate and enjoyable sexual experience.” The idea of this thing is get the lady’s lady bits fired up before her partner even gets in there. The company says that the product was “specifically created for “Before-play” in “comparison to vibrators which are designed for orgasm. Use Fiera for a few minutes in advance of sexual intimacy to get you ready and excited for a more pleasurable sexual experience.” Sounds good to us; in other words, let this thing juice you up in case your partner wants to stick it in with no foreplay. It’s genius!
The Vampire Breastlift ($1,900) from Dr. Charles Runels follows his Vampire Facelift, which was made famous by Kim Kardashian. The non-surgical mini-boob job lift takes only 15 minutes and draws the patients’ blood, extracts platelet-rich plasma (PRP) , and then injects it back into their breasts. Check out the video here to see how to get perkier funbags.
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